The Caretaker

Selection from Act 3

Regarding first class interior decorator...

Mick. Yes. I could tell him to go, I suppose.

Davies. That's what I'm saying.

Mick. Yes, I could tell him to go.  I mean, I'm the landlord. On the other hand, he's the sitting tenant.  giving him notice, you see, it's a technical matter, that's what it is.  It depends how you regard this room as furnished or unfurnished.  See what I mean?

Davies.  No I don't.

Mick.  All this furniture, you see in here, it's all his, except the beds, of course.  So what it is, it's a fine legal point, that's what it is.

   Pause

Davies.  I tell you he should go back where he come from!

Mick. Where did he come from?

Davies.  Well ... he...he....

Mick. You get a bit out of your depth sometimes, don't you?

Pause

  (Rising, briskly.) Well, anyway, as things stand, I don't mind having a go at doing up the place....

Davies. That's what i wanted to hear!

Mick. No, I don't mind.

  He turns to face Davies.

But you better be as good as you say you are.

Davies. What do you mean?

Mick. Well, you say you're an interior decorator, you'd better be a good one.

Davies.  A what?

Mick. What do you mean, a what?  A decorator.  An interior decorator.

Davies. Me?  What do mean? I never touched that.  I never been that.

Mick. You're never what?

Davies.  No, no, not me, man.  I'm not an interior decorator.  I been too busy.  Too many other things to do, you see.  But give me ... give me a bit of time to pick it up.

Mick. I don't want you to pick it up. I want a first-class experienced interior decorator.  I thought you were one.

Davies.  Me?  Now wait a minute - wait a minute - you got the wrong man.

Mick.  How could I have the wrong man?  You're the only man I've spoken to.  You're the  only man I've told, about my dreams, about my deepest wishes,  you're the only one I've told, and I only told you because I understood you were a an experienced first-class professional interior and exterior decorator.

Davies.  Now look here -

Mick. You mean you wouldn't know how to fit teal-blue, copper and parchment linoleum squares and have those colors re-echoed in the walls?

Davies.  Now, look here, where'd you get -?

Mick.  You wouldn't be able to decorate out a table in afromosia teak veneer, an armchair in oatmeal tweed and a beech frame settee with a woven sea-grass seat?

Davies. I never said that!

Mick. Christ! I must have been under a false impression!